the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
