Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
