i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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