I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Randomize
