Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
