i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You had me at "let me see your balls"
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
