I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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