I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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