I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
