he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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