I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
