gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
