my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
