he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
i out mim tonsoeep
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