yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
