My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
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my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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