I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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