sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
