Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
