Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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