if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
