If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
