You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
