And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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