Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
