it hurts more in the daytime
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
did i walk over a car last night?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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