do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
