you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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