i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
