and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
