apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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