you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
