I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
