god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
