half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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