God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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