the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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