You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
