He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
