my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
