I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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