So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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