We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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