So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
