Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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