all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
