U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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