FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
