did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
