I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
