I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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