just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
