Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
