just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
