Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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