I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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