if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
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